The Doctor Rants

I’m not one to rant excessively, I’ll leave that to the professionals like White Coat, but after a particularly painful night shift, I have something to get off my chest. When I walk into a patient’s room, there are a couple of phrases I don’t really want to hear anymore:

#1. In answer to the question–What seems to be the problem? Some seem to think the funniest thing in the world is to say is “I don’t know, you’re the doctor.” Perhaps I’m just getting cantankerous, or maybe it’s because I’ve heard this joke about 8 million times already, but come on. The evil doctor in me wants to just look right in their eyes and say, “I’ve got it, you’ve got skin failure!” and walk right out again. I’ll let you know if I try this one.

#2. Another opening line I sometimes use is “Hello, I’m the ER doctor, how are you?” Naturally, this question brings out the Don Rickles in many patients, and they of course answer with, “Not very good, why do you think I came here?” Oy.

#3. My least favorite response by far, is when I go in to see a patient with a non-emergency problem and the patient says, “It’s about time.” Wow. It takes a lot of willpower not to get snippy at these times, especially since I practically run from room to room. I have considered a few sarcastic comebacks to this, but I bet my satisfaction scores would suffer. One option, “Gosh, I’m so sorry, what time was your appointment again?”