November 2009

Let’s face it, everything is funnier in the middle of the night. After about 5 cups of coffee, and no sleep you just get the giggles. On my last night shift, a favorite nursing supervisor was in charge, and I decided to have a little fun. I called her and asked if she knew where to find the Jass clamp.
“The what clamp?” she asked.
“The Jass clamp. J, A, S, S.” I said.
“Well what’s it for?”
“It’s for draining Lar abscesses.” I said. “The full name is Lar Jass clamp.”
“Okay, I’ll see if I can track it down.” she said.
Over the next hour, she searched every corner of the hospital, asking everyone if they had seen the Lar Jass clamp. She finally called me back and reported that she couldn’t find it anywhere.
“Can you slowly repeat what you are looking for?” I asked.
Slowly, she said, “The. Lar. Jass. Clamp.”

I couldn’t help laughing at that point, and understanding finally found her.
“Oh you’re going to get a large ass beatdown.” she said.

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I believe this could be a new protocol for cardiac stress testing.
Recently on the late shift, the nurses on the telemetry unit were alerted to an elderly female patient who was having tachycardia. Her heart rate had been steady at around 80, but for no clear reason it accelerated to about 150 beats per minute. The charge nurse walked quickly over to investigate.
The patient noted that she had been having some insomnia, so she decided to read her romance novel. Suddenly, she had a very realistic hallucination.
“What did you see dear?” asked the nurse.
“Well, it was a very good looking man, who just walked into my room and asked where the grocery store was. And, he was . . . completely naked.” She admitted.
The nurse reassured the patient that it was nothing, and tucked her back into bed, and then chuckled her way back to the nurses station. A few minutes later while doing some charting, she was surprised to see another patient standing in front of the counter. It was a 40 year old man admitted for gallstones. He had been given a dose of Ambien for sleep about an hour before.
“Excuse me, can you show me where the grocery store is?” asked the man.
“I certainly can,” said the nurse, who then gently walked the sleepwalking (and completely naked) patient back to his room.

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I was attempting to build a deck today, pretending to be a handy guy, and as per my usual custom thinking about the worst construction accidents I have seen.

These are not just morbid ruminations of my darker side, but useful ways to avoid being hurt. Standing on a ladder while using a circular saw to cut off a piece of trim really gets the imagination going, because of the sheer number of different ways to lacerate, contuse, dismember, and abrade your body. For instance, I must remember to keep the ladder secure so I don’t tip over, breaking my wrist and impaling my face on a piece of rebar.

I can’t cut off a piece of lumber, and let it fall on my foot and then break my neck when I stumble in pain. Perhaps most importantly, I want to make sure I don’t position my body over a fence so that if I do fall off the ladder, I don’t straddle the fence and crush my testicles. Even when I’m finished using the circular saw, I must remember not to set it down while it’s running, so that it doesn’t run over my foot and amputate my toes. In fact, I’ve gotten so paranoid about all of these scenarios that sometimes I find myself just staring at my power tools, too afraid to pick them up.

Perhaps this is why the deck is unfinished after 6 months.

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